Make the Madness Stop!
by McAddicted
Summary: When it gets too much to take...you've gotta laugh or you'll cry!  My satirical take on the shenanigans going on in Shondaland.  All meant to amuse, not to upset anyone!
1. Chapter 1

**Greetings all...yes I have a new fic here, but I'm sure it's not going to be what you're expecting! This piece will be a satirical take (or a spoof or parody if you will) on Grey's Anatomy as we know it. I've become rather frustrated over the story lines, and the excessive characters piling up and I'm sure there are many of you out there who feel the same way. So I had some silly ideas about it, and decided to write it out to give me somewhere to vent my thoughts. Please do not take any of this seriously! I don't mean to offend anyone or their interest in particular characters or relationships. It's just for fun! I'll understand if you don't want to review, or if it's not your cup of tea, but if you like it please be sure to let me know. This won't be a long fic, chapters will depend on my mood, and what else I can think of to vent on.**

**It's set as a Halloween piece, and there may be a character or two appear from other shows that you may recognize. Rated M for language or situations, so read at your own risk.**

**And sadly, don't own any of these folks - they belong mainly to Shonda & Co, god help us!**

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It was the eve of Halloween, and the gang at Casa Grey had been spooked by someone skulking around outside, peering into the windows. Meredith had called 9-1-1, and now Officer Horatio Caine stood at the doorway, trying to get some information on the incident. He chafed inside the uniform, still not accustomed to wearing it after his demotion from CSI Miami. Just because he had commandeered a shipload of black sunglasses, they had kicked him back to patrol officer, and across the country to Seattle. He looked at the couple in front of him, taking their names down on his notepad.

"Dr. Derek Shepherd..." The man with the impossible perfectly moussed black hair and piercing blue eyes spoke up first. "And Dr. Meredith Grey." Indicating the pale blond woman next to him. She was wearing her favorite ratty Dartmouth sweatshirt and flannel pants, looking like she was still in college, rather than a nearly full fledged surgeon.

"He's my husband..." Meredith cooed, batting her eyelashes at Derek.

"She's my wife..." Derek cooed back. "We have the Post-it Note of wedded bliss over our bed to prove it."

"Wait a minute...so you're not legally married?"

"Oh yes we are...we're even trying to have a baby!" Meredith protested.

"Except you have a hostile uterus," Derek muttered.

"I don't think it's my problem...it's probably your stupid boy penis..." Meredith whined, looking at Cristina for help.

"You tell him, Mer. Stupid boys and their stupid penises..." Cristina offered from her perch on the sofa, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. She smacked Owen on the back of the head for emphasis.

"Ow!" Owen closed his eyes, feelings of battle terror starting to take over, brought on by the smack to his skull. "Oohh...I think I'm gonna pass out..."

"Oh shut it, Hunt..." Teddy sighed from where she sat on the other side of him, giving him a sharp poke in the ribs with her elbow. "That PTSD stuff isn't working anymore...you picked her, not me...damnit...I'm not gonna go along with your plans anymore..."

"But you'll always be my GI Jane..." Owen said soothingly, laying his head on Teddy's shoulder.

"Somebody sedate me!" Cristina yelled, throwing the popcorn up in the air, letting it fall around them like snowflakes. "Where's the tequila?"

Officer Caine frowned, and slowly removed his sunglasses, peering at the crowd in the living room. "Excuse me, ma'am..." he drawled, "but do all of these people _live_ here?"

"Why yes, why do you ask?" Meredith looked over her shoulder. Besides Cristina, Owen and Teddy on the sofa, Alex was pacing back and forth (having nothing else to do), Jackson was busy posing in front of the mirror with his shirt off, and Lexie and April were arguing over the design of the chore wheel. Mark was talking on his cell phone, setting up a date with three of the pharmaceutical sales agents that liked to make out in the supply closet. The only ones missing were Callie and Arizona, who were out picking up paint for their bedroom. Meredith frowned - they had been discussing that issue for days now, and she hoped they came back with something suitable. She was tired of finding paint chips all over the house.

"Doesn't it seem a little..." he paused for effect, "crowded?"

"Welcome to my world, Officer," Derek sighed, running his hands through his perfectly coiffed hair. "You should be here when they all try to jump in bed with us because they can't sleep alone..."

"Say, don't I know you from somewhere?" Officer Caine asked suspiciously, peering at Derek.

"Well, I am the world's best renowned neurosurgeon, after all," Derek prompted. "I save lives every day, it's kind of my specialty." He smirked and leaned against the wall, knowing it was his best look. "Or maybe you saw my face on the billboard we just put up…"

"No...not that..." Officer Caine removed his sunglasses slowly one more time. "No...you're that crazy guy who likes to speed in your Porsche Cayenne. I think we have an outstanding warrant for your arrest." He checked his notepad to be sure.

Derek backed up slowly. "No, seriously, I did my time...and just because I like to drive with my foot to the floor and fishtail around the corners...jeez, can't a guy have a little fun after being shot?"

"Shot?" Officer Caine drew his own pistol. "No one said anything about shots fired..."

Meredith rolled her eyes, nearly causing a headache from the intensity. "Not now. That was last month...see how his scar is already healed and everything?" She ripped open Derek's blue shirt to show the scar off. "I think it's sexy, don't you?" She touched his chest lovingly.

"I wouldn't know about that, ma'am."

"They call him Dr. McDreamy," Meredith said proudly.

"I'm happy for him, but someone here called 9-1-1. Can you tell me what happened?"

"Oh, there was someone skulking around outside the windows," Meredith replied. "We thought maybe it was Denny, wanting back inside, but then he doesn't need to skulk..."

"He could just appear without having to make a big deal about it," Derek added thoughtfully.

"Appear?"

"He's dead."

"He likes to make an appearance every now and then...it's so annoying," Alex spoke up. "My ex-wife had an affair with him."

"Before he died?"

"Dude...no way...when she had a brain tumor...she thought she was fucking him!"

"Riighht..."

"But I fixed her," Derek pointed out. "That's what I do."

"Yeah, you told me. Now...about this skulker..."

"He was tall..."

"I thought he was short..." Meredith interjected.

"No, he was average..." someone else added. "Kind of skinny..."

"Wearing a black cape..." Lexie called out. "And he was wearing a mask, with stringy gray hair sticking out...!"

"How do you know that?"

"Well, I do have a photographic memory. I caught a glimpse of him before he ran away."

"You think you're so smart, Lexipedia," April frowned.

"At least I'm not a virgin like you!" Lexie taunted in return.

"That's not for discussion. Didn't we already discuss that?" April pouted, stomping her feet. "I don't wanna talk about it!" She jerked the chore wheel away from Lexie and ran towards the kitchen, her little feet moving as fast as they could. "You're mean..."

Lexie laughed and chased her, trying to grab the chart away. "Gimme that..." They ended up on the floor pulling hair and pinching each other.

Derek looked at Meredith. "The children are fighting again. It's your turn to talk to them."

"Fine." Meredith went to break up the fight. "Quiet you two or no supper tonight!"

Officer Caine rubbed his temple. "Look, if that's all you can tell me for now..."

"Yes, that's all we have."

"Okay, I'll put out a warrant for a tall black caped person then."

"Great."

Mark came up behind Derek then, looking at the cop. He whipped out one of his business cards and handed it over. "If you ever want something done about that complexion of yours, give me a call. I can help you with that."

"You're a dermatologist?"

"No, I'm the plastics god of SGH, don't you know that?" Mark scolded him. "When I'm not fucking all the nurses or the other female doctors, or Derek's sisters..."

"Wait, you fucked my sisters?" Derek asked, his eyebrows going up.

"Well, yeah...it's rite of passage for the Shepherd girls, isn't it?"

"That's really TMI..."

"Well, I AM the manwhore around here. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it." Mark winked at Derek.

"Just because we made up after you fucked my wife doesn't mean I forgive you for everything."

"He fucked your wife?" Officer Caine glanced over at where Meredith was now mediating peace between Lexie and April.

"Not this wife...my ex-wife who lives in Los Angeles now."

"This is getting confusing. Are there any other relationships I should be aware of here?"

"Well, I also slept with Lexie, who is Meredith's sister," Mark mused.

"After I told you to keep little Sloan out of little Grey," Derek reminded him.

"It's not LITTLE!" Mark bellowed, offended at the idea his man bits were small.

"I slept with Lexie too..." Alex offered.

"I'm married to Owen. It seemed like the right thing to do when I couldn't even do surgery," Cristina said. "I just live for my man now...it's so simple..."

"And I wanted to sleep with Owen," Teddy added. "But I did have sex with Mark, and then there was that psychiatrist who just left town screaming..." She bit her fingernails, thinking of the greatest love of her life she had only known for a month.

"Oh, and there was Callie too...but now she's a lesbian," Mark said. "She's not here right now."

"I want to have sex with Teddy, but she told me it was inappropriate," Jackson whined. "I even took my shirt off like this..." He flexed his impressive abs for everyone.

"You know your HR department would have a field day with all of this," Officer Caine sighed, putting his hands on his hips.

"We don't have one – after Derek started having sex with Meredith when he was her boss's boss, they gave up," Cristina commented. "Now they just stay in their offices and quiver in fear."

"Alrighty then, I'm going to go. If you see anything else suspicious you give me a call." He gave Derek one of his business cards, embossed with sunglasses.

"You have your own cards?"

"From before I was demoted. They didn't like me in Miami anymore, sent me here. I don't want to talk about it." He stalked away before anyone could ask any question, nearly tripping over his own feet in the darkness, but he didn't like to go without his sunglasses.

Derek closed the door. "Strange man."

The door burst open again, and Callie and Arizona rushed in, each holding a can of paint. "We got paint! Mine's purple..."

"Mine's beige..." Arizona said, smiling sweetly at everyone. "We can paint it all like rainbows and butterflies!"

"You can't paint your room two colors!" Meredith shouted.

"Can too. You said we can do whatever we want," Callie reminded her, brushing back her long black hair. "That's why we moved into this frat house. Besides...you owe me one for the panties..."

"Fine!" Meredith hated to be reminded that Callie saved her butt when Addison posted the black panties on the bulletin board and she exchanged a guilty look with Derek. Even though that had been three years, or was it four...or maybe two...she always got mixed up in the timeline of their life...anyway, Callie liked to remind her of that. "Go to your room then! Everyone go to their room!"

"But we live in a tent in the backyard," Cristina pointed out.

"Just until we get the addition finished," Meredith soothed her. "You know you will always have a place in my house."

They all shuffled off to their respective rooms, while Cristina took the flashlight and pulled Owen out to the back yard. Lexie and Teddy went up to the attic, and April to Izzie's old room. Callie and Arizona were living in the room under the stairs in the basement (that used to be a cold storage room so they needed space heaters on for warmth), while Jackson and Mark had bunk beds in Alex's room, and the three of them fought constantly all night about who could make the most obnoxious sounds with their armpits.

Derek put his arm around Meredith, who watched them all leave with a proud smile on her lips. "You do realize this isn't normal..." he muttered in her ear. "How am I supposed to get you pregnant if we can't have wild sex wherever we want to anymore? This is driving me crazy!"

"Oh it's just temporary...you know I need to mother everyone now."

"You do?"

"Yes, silly. Now that I'm all whole and healed, it's my duty to take care of everyone else."

"You scare me sometimes, Mer," Derek sighed, taking her hand to lead her up to bed.

The house settled down for the night, and the lights went off one by one in the bedrooms and the tent.

"Good night Derek."

"Good night Meredith."

"Good night Mark."

"Good night Alex."

"Good night Jackson."

"Good night Teddy."

"Good night Lexie."

"Good night Owen."

"Good night Cristina."

"Good night April."

No one noticed that April had not spoke up during this litany of good nights...no one realized that she was lying in her bed, focused on the swirling fog that insinuated itself under the window sill. Her eyes went wide as she realized it was taking the shape of a man, a very rumpled looking, unshaven man, wearing jeans and a grey sweatshirt.

"You're not Izzie..." he said, looking puzzled. "But you're in her room..."

"I'm...April..." she said in a very small voice, peeking over the covers. Her little virginal heart beat rapidly in her chest, as she wondered what this apparition was.

"Well, April...did anyone tell you about me?" he asked, sitting on the edge of her bed. The air was cold around him, and she shivered again.

"No...who are you?"

He looked offended. "I'm Denny...they killed me off but I keep coming back. I loved Izzie."

April nodded slowly. She'd heard about Izzie Stevens, the ex-wife of Alex who left him all broken and bitter. "Go away...you're not real..."

"Sure I am. I can even help you with that pesky virginity of yours..."

"What?"

"Ghost sex, baby...don't knock it till you've tried it!"

April fainted.

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***_And for those of you that have read my stories in the past, I AM working on a more romantic MerDer story, just haven't got very much yet...I'm hoping this may kickstart me to do more on that once I get rid of my frustrations!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all the reviews - I really wasn't sure what kind of reaction I would get! You all made my day with your comments - though I guess it's a little sad that we can relate to it all... **

**This is just a short little chapter, good for another chuckle or two (I hope).  


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"Why does April get her own room and I'm stuck with Teddy in the attic?" Lexie demanded the next morning, standing in line at the bathroom. She demanded this of no one in particular, and Alex just shrugged, and Jackson shook his head. Each of them carried their towels and toothbrushes, waiting for their turn, reading a section of the newspaper to pass the time.

"Thanks, Grey…glad you enjoy being 'stuck' with me!" Teddy snorted.

"You came in to the situation late so you didn't have any choice about rooms," Lexie frowned. "But I'm Meredith's sister for god's sake!"

"Maybe she doesn't really like you," Alex smirked.

"Or she's gotten you and April confused…you _do_ look alike," Jackson pointed out, with a wink. "Both skinny white girls with dark hair and childlike attitudes…it's possible."

"Oh!" Lexie flicked her towel at both of them in frustration. "You're terrible, both of you!"

"Where is April anyway?"

"Do I look like I care?" Alex asked, going back to reading his newspaper.

At that point, April staggered out of her bedroom, her hair in a tangled mess, and her long flannel nightgown twisted around her. She met Lexie's questioning look with a shake of her head.

"Bad dreams?" Lexie inquired innocently, unable to resist.

"Don't even ask…" she muttered. April tugged at her nightgown, glancing back to the bedroom as if expecting someone to follow her. She shook her head, mumbling to herself, and twitching.

By then, Cristina and Owen joined the bathroom lineup, exchanging confused glances with the others. "Don't ask, Yang. Kepner's cuckoo," Alex whispered behind his newspaper. "Just take a number for the shower…" He indicated the ticket dispenser mounted on the wall.

"Who's in the can?"

"We're not sure…." Teddy sighed, before banging on the door. "Hey, hurry up! Some of us out here have to pee!"

"Yeah…your fifteen minutes are up!"

The door was flung open and Mark stood there, naked except for his trademark white towel slung around his hips. "Geez… can't a guy get some me time?"

"Not around here…"

"We could share the shower...anyone willing to join me?" Mark smirked, but Teddy elbowed past him and slamming the door shut without another word, leaving the rest of them to wait their turns.

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Meanwhile, at SGH, Chief Webber was reviewing the proposals from the attendings on their bid to get grant money. After all the whining and crying and backstabbing, it was amazing that any of them had been able to come up with something workable. There was a tap at the door and he looked up to find Dr. Bailey there. "Yes, Miranda, what is it?"

"Just wondering if you had a chance to think about who will get the million dollars?" she asked, walking in.

"I haven't decided yet."

"Oh, well, you know everyone else is thinking of themselves…I think my plan is the one to go with. Just saying…"

Richard frowned, but he nodded slowly. "Yes, well…" Thinking of Callie wanting to win over Arizona, and throwing her lesbianism out there as a playing card; thinking of Mark confessing he was not having sex; or Teddy mumbling about what he couldn't even remember without consulting his notes. It was so much simpler back when it was just Shepherd and Burke, he realized.

Then he looked at Bailey again, and realized she was wearing a fuzzy red wig and big nose. "Miranda…your nose…"

"Oh that…it's Halloween, Chief. Gotta get into the spirit."

"Right, well, you'll hear about my decision soon enough."

"Fine…" She flounced out without giving the usual long winded speech he was accustomed to hearing from her.

"This is going to be a long day…" he muttered to himself.

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"Grey, Yang, Karev, Grey, Kepner, Avery…" Bailey called out, standing at the door of the resident's lounge. "Did I forget anyone?"

The group of them jostled for space in front of Bailey, while Mark, Callie and Arizona sat with their feet up on the ottoman. "Ah, the days of the resident…" Arizona smirked. "Look at them all fighting for attention…"

"What's up with Bailey?" Mark asked, looking at the wig and nose.

"Halloween…" Callie commented without looking up from her iPhone.

"We should have costumes!" Arizona said brightly. "I love costumes!"

"Hey where's Teddy?"

"Is she somewhere with Owen? He's missing too…"

"Oh-oh…trouble in paradise?"

At that point, Derek and Owen strolled in, sharing a cup of coffee between them. "God…bromance in the air…" Callie sniffed before returning her attention to the phone.

"I'm jealous…I'm supposed to be Derek's bromance partner," Mark frowned.

"That's okay, Marky, you can hang out with us lesbians," Arizona said, patting his knee. "You can stare at my boobs."

"Thanks, I feel better now…"

"Where's Altman?" Bailey demanded, crossing her arms. "They're paging her on the surgical floor. Since y'all live together, I assume you've seen her this morning. Though why you all need to live with Grey is beyond my understanding…but then what do I know?"

"She was there. Anyone see her since the bathroom line up?"

Negative comments and head shakes all around, before April put her hand up hesitantly. "Oh! Oh! Dr. Bailey!"

"Jeeze, Kepner, what are you, ten?" Alex smirked. "You don't need to put your hand up to talk."

April stuck her tongue out before looking back at Bailey. "I think I saw her heading to the parking lot to get something from her car…"

"Well, go find her!" Bailey bellowed in her best Nazi voice.

"Hard to take that seriously with the nose…" Cristina whispered to Meredith, and they both giggled, as April scurried away to look for Teddy. Anything to take away the images of ghost Denny from her mind, please make it go away…

"All right then…let's get to work people!" Bailey clapped her hands.

"Maybe the midnight skulker got Teddy…" Lexie muttered, her eyes wide. "You know…maybe that's why he was peeking in the windows last night…now he's spirited her away for his malevolent purposes…"

"You watch too many horror movies…" Jackson sighed, walking away.

"You wait…I'm always right!"

Derek came up behind Meredith and grabbed her butt, making her giggle. "You're scrubbing in my next operation, right?"

"Is that favoritism?" Bailey frowned.

"Absolutely…we have eye sex," Derek smirked.

"Oh, well, that's good then. Carry on."

"You're terrible," Meredith said as they walked away.

"I know, and you love me anyway…"

She swatted his arm playfully. "Arrogant surgeon…"

"Wanna go practice baby making before surgery?" he asked, steering her towards the on call room.

"I was hoping you had time…"

"For you I have all the time in the world…"

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"Have you seen Kepner?" Bailey asked, awhile later. "She was supposed to come back with Teddy and now she's missing…"

Callie looked up from the casts she was breaking. "Oh no…that's two now…"

"I told you…it's the skulker…" Lexie whispered.

"Call security, see if they have anything on the video surveillance. With all that fancy stuff we installed, they gotta see something!"

"We should call that cop from last night."

"Derek's got the business card," Owen said. "Where is he?"

"Still having sex with his wife. You wanna go interrupt them?" Cristina smirked.

"Um no…"

"Don't you people have anything to do?" Bailey asked.

"No, we just hang out around the nurse's station and trade witty quips," Owen replied. "Coffee?" He held up a tray of coffee cups.

"You gotta mocha latte?"

"With your name on it." Owen handed it over.

"I'll go look for them," Lexie spoke up. "If I see the skulker, I'll scream and run back inside."

"Fine, Grey…" Bailey tried to take a sip of coffee but her nose kept bumping the lid and she frowned. Callie reached over and tugged the nose off for her with a wink. "Damn costume…why do I bother?"

Before anyone could answer, they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway. "It's Lexie!" Mark yelled. "I have to save her!" He led the charge of residents and attendings who followed behind the flapping white lab coat tails. They converged on the location of the sound emanating from the resident's lounge. Crowding into the doorway like a pile of puppies, in a tangle of limbs, trying to discover what happened.

"Oh my god…"

"What is it?"

"It's Jackson…"

"What happened…?"

"Don't look…" Mark raised his hand, but it was too late. The sight of Jackson Avery was seared into their retinas. Laying flat on his back, his shirt off, those tremendous abs on display…Jackson was splayed out on the floor with bite marks on his neck. Blood seeped out into a widening puddle beneath him.

"Where's Lexie?" Mark demanded. "She screamed…I'd know her scream anywhere…"

"Here…" Lexie said, waving from the corner. "I came in to get my coat…and there he was…"

"He's been bitten…but is that what happened to Teddy and April?"

There was a deep mocking laugh and they looked around in fear. "The parking lot of doom has swallowed them up…never to be seen again…" the voice intoned solemnly. "This one was too pretty to resist…"

Callie clapped her hand over her mouth. "Ohmigod…" she murmured finally. "The parking lot…just like Erica…!"

The rest of the group looked at each other in horror. Who would be next to suffer the unspeakable fate…

"Is there trouble here?" Officer Caine spoke up from behind them.

Vampires and parking lots and terror…oh my…


	3. Chapter 3

**I know, it's been awhile since we visited this little story...but the recent over the top soapy goings on in Shondaland have goaded me to vent my feelings again. Even daytime dramas don't have some of the weird stuff we're subjected to LOL. Again, I only mean to poke a little fun at things, so don't take it seriously! Reviews are welcome, but I will understand if you don't. This chapter picks up where we left off, with Jackson's cold dead body in the resident's lounge...  
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**"Is there trouble here?"**  
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"Ack...where the hell did you come from?" Callie asked, looking at Officer Caine in surprise.

"I have a sixth sense..."

"What...you see dead people?" Arizona asked, furrowing her brow in confusion.

"That was a movie...but maybe that's what Izzie's problem was," Alex mused.

"No it was a tumor..."

Just then Derek and Meredith came running up, joining the cacophony of voices talking about dead people and tumors and what the hell happened to Jackson?

"People!" Officer Caine threw his hands up, trying to get them all to quiet down. "We have a dead man here...with bite marks on his throat...doesn't that look suspicious to you?"

"It's a vampire," Lexie muttered, still huddled in the corner. "First the parking lot of doom swallowed up Teddy and April, and now this...we're in a horror movie..."

"Vampires can't be out during the daytime, can they?" Bailey asked.

"They can if they have special rings. I saw it on TV," Callie offered.

"Oooh...I love that show...they're hot..." Cristina said. "They could bite me anytime!"

"Uh-huh...so a vampire wearing a special ring swooped in here and killed this guy..." Officer Caine scribbled in his notebook. "Or maybe it was one of you..." He peered at them all over his sunglasses suspiciously.

"No way...we were all busy..."

"We're very busy..."

"You mean in surgery?"

"No, we have meaningful discussions about our problems with our patients...they give us advice," Cristina explained.

"We were working on our reproduction issues," Derek smirked, and Meredith smacked him on the shoulder. "Ow!"

"Don't over-share, Derek," she sighed.

"You know, I think I'm just going to leave now. This is giving me a headache," Horatio sighed, backing away from them. "Deal with the victim yourself..."

"Hmph...some help he was..." Bailey snorted.

Derek looked at the assembled group for a moment. "Wait a minute, where's Stark?"

"Stark...? You mean that irritating little man that is supposed to be working in Peds?" Arizona asked. "The one who is going to cover for me while I'm in Africa?"

"What do you mean you're going to Africa?" Callie asked, spinning around to look at her lover. "Since when?"

Arizona looked at her watch. "Since just now. I'm going to go and bring happiness and rainbows and lollipops to the poor babies over there! Gotta go...bye!" And she zoomed out of the room on her heely sneakers, leaving Callie behind, her mouth open in shock.

"B-but..."

Mark put his arm around her shoulders. "Don't worry, sweetie...let's go home and I'll feed you sorbet and tuck you into bed."

"Hey...what about me?" Lexie demanded. "You never feed me sorbet!" She followed them out the door, still whining.

"Oh dear, this could get ugly," Meredith murmured.

"I still think we need to find Stark...he's never going to fit in here...he thinks we're all crazy," Derek commented.

"I think he's the crazy one..." Cristina pointed out. They walked out to the nurse's station again. "Let's page him!"

"Good idea!" Owen agreed. "Then we can ambush him when he shows up!"

Cristina patted him on the shoulder. "Just calm down, Rambo...this isn't the battlefield anymore."

"Oh, right...sorry..."

Before they could do anything else, Stark strolled up, seemingly unaware of their scrutiny. "Hello. Is there a meeting I'm supposed to know about?" he asked, dropping his charts on the desk.

"Where were you?" Derek asked, leaning against the desk, because leaning was what he did best after all.

"Why do you ask?" Stark countered, crossing his arms over his chest.

"There's been a murder."

_Dum da dum dum dum... _

They all looked around, puzzled, for a second at the music, before looking back at Stark.

"Well, it wasn't me!" But Stark put his hand over his mouth suddenly.

"Wait a minute...you've got blood on your lab coat..." Derek pointed at it. "Let me see your teeth!"

"No!" Stark scrambled away, but Owen sprang over the desk, tackling him to the floor. "You can't make me..."

Meredith and Cristina helped hold him down, while Derek pried open Stark's jaw, revealing two fangs among his regular teeth. "You're a vampire?"

"Kind of a dorky looking vampire," Cristina muttered. "You sure about that?"

"Hey, I'm not a dork and I'm not a vampire!"

"So what's with the teeth?"

"He's not a doctor either..." Detective Caine spoke up from behind them, and they all looked up in horror.

"Man, you keep showing up a like a bad dream..." Bailey frowned.

"Sorry...I forgot my notebook," he said slowly, peering over his sunglasses. "I recognize this man from my time in Miami...he's not a doctor, he's an escapee from the insane asylum there. He likes to masquerade as a doctor...been all over the country. He also likes to pretend he's a vampire...kills his victims by biting them on the throat." He paused for a dramatic moment. "Congratulations...you've caught your killer. And I...well, maybe I will be able to get my old job back by bringing him in."

"Whatever...just take him."

"See...I told you he was crazy!"

"We'll be able to sleep easier now."

"Hey, speaking of sleeping...can we get April's room now?" Cristina asked Meredith. "It's up for dibs, right?"

"Absolutely...just look out for Dead Denny!"

* * *

_Two months later..._

"Crap, still not pregnant," Meredith muttered, tossing the pregnancy test into the trash can to join the other 30 discarded ones. "God hates my uterus!"

Callie dashed into the bathroom, holding up her own test stick. "Crap, I'm pregnant!"

"You're what?" Meredith whirled around in shock. "How did that happen?"

Callie raised her eyebrows. "Well, duh...you're a doctor, you know the usual method..."

"Yes, but..."

"She's having my baby...!" Mark sang out.

"This is so not fair!"

Derek joined them then. "You mean you've knocked up your third woman without even trying, and I can't get Meredith pregnant no matter how hard I try?"

"The Sloan men are fertile, what can I say?"

"So your lesbian lover left, and now you have your baby Daddy here..." Meredith sighed, looking longingly at the positive sign on Callie's test stick.

"Yes...I wanted a baby, but she never did!"

"Yes I did!" Arizona poked her head into the bathroom. "I'm back from Africa – I couldn't stand to be away from my sweetie Callie-muffin...I missed you..."

"You didn't even ask me to go with you," Callie frowned. "But I forgive you..."

"Oh it was all part of my plans...I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away from Mark, and his sorbet...and now you're having our baby...and we can live like one big happy family!"

"How come you get to have it all?" Meredith demanded.

"Hey you still have me!" Derek protested. "We can always adopt a baby...or better yet, we can put a picture up beside the post-it note...and have a post-it baby!"

"Now there's an idea...none of the inconvenience!"

"And we have Mark and Callie living here, so we can all raise the kid together!" Cristina poked her head into the bathroom. "We'll get Lexie to organize another chore wheel."

"She hates me," Mark muttered. "She'll make me do all the dirty work."

Lexie joined them then, suitcases in hand. "I'm leaving...I'm running away to Mexico to join a salsa band...no one here appreciates me anyway!"

"Oh Lexie...you'll always be my sister," Meredith sighed. "But have fun, mmkay? Make sure to send postcards!"

"Oh I hate you all!" Lexie stomped down the stairs.

"Hey what's up?" Alex asked.

"Hey we forgot about you for awhile," Derek laughed. "Sorry – did you have something to add to this conversation?"

"Naw, dude...where's Lexie going?"

"Mexico."

"Hey, I should go with her...we can start a clinic down there...off the map somewhere!' Alex sprinted after her. "Lexie! Wait for me...!"

And so the Casa Grey commune was down to seven residents, with one on the way...stay tuned to see what happens next time...will Callie & Arizona & Mark form a new kind of family? Will Arizona stop being do damn perky? Will Derek & Meredith ever conceive a baby? Will Addison have to make an appearance just to remind everyone she is still the BEST DAMN OB-GYN ever and assist in the birth of Callie's baby, and the fertility problems of her ex-husband and his post-it wife? Will Cristina offer to be a gestational carrier for her person? And will that damn house in the woods EVER be built?

In Shondaland...anything is possible...let's try to keep the faith everyone...


End file.
